Everyone knows that the easiest way for a person to learn how to do something is to “learn by doing.” A good example of this is when you learned how to catch a ball. When you think back to when you learned how to catch, do you remember your parents teaching you about trajectories, aerodynamic drag coefficients, and gravitational equations? Probably not. Whoever taught you to catch most likely told you to keep your eyes on the ball, you hands up and ready, and then tossed a ball toward you. As they kept on throwing the ball toward you, some mechanism in your brain took over and you learned how to catch.
This may come as a surprise to you, but your brain is not designed to compute mountains of data with math equations. Evolution has setup our brains to figure things out through a system of experience based techniques called heuristics. These are the actual engines behind the “learn by doing” process in humans. Heuristics are not math equations. They are down and dirty, simple little tricks and shortcuts your brain uses to figure the environment out.
When it comes to catching a ball, the “gaze heuristic” is used. When we look at the brain activity of someone catching a ball, their brain is not solving a system of differential equations regarding the forces acting on the ball and then using that data to predict where the ball will be and thus where their hand will need to be to catch it. Without the help of scientific equipment, someone could never figure that out real time while the ball is in the air. The human brain just can’t do this. So here is how your brain does it. The brain uses your eyes to fixate on the ball while it is in the air. Your body then moves to keep the angle of this gaze the same as the ball gets closer. The result is an alignment between your body and the path of the ball.
Great to know, but what does this have to do with getting laid?
Every guy knows that you can’t learn to catch a ball by researching it. You learn by playing catch. For some strange reason though, guys seem to think that they can learn how to catch women by researching it. It will not work. Humans learn by doing. Sure, just like learning to catch, there is some good advice out there like don’t blink as you are about to catch. Balls in the face are never good (in any context) but realize that if your plan to get good with women resembles a father teaching his son advanced physics before throwing the football at him, you are doing something wrong.
So why do guys do this if it doesn’t work?
Let’s look at a second example. A person learning to run can practice running by themselves. A person who does this will improve their ability and when they chose to run a race against someone, their practice will pay off. The important thing to understand about this example of learning is that you can practice without the risk of failure because you are practicing by yourself. Most sports are like this. There are things you can practice to hone your skills outside of the game, without the pressure of losing. Once you feel like you have improved, you can then get in the game and only risk losing once you feel that you are ready.
Getting good with women is nothing like this. There is no way to practice without actually practicing inside of the game. You are either playing or not. Sure, read the rule book before you play the game but realize that you can only practice inside of the game. Guys hate this. The reality is that to get good at this game you have to play it as a novice and fail quite a bit before you learn anything. Every guy wants to avoid this learning pain and as a result, most over-research, thinking they can get around it. This actually creates a negative feedback loop. If you start off with a belief that you need to understand all the math equations before you can be successful, what happens?
The first problem is that with the help of the internet, you never feel like you have read enough because there is so much information available, so you just keep on reading. This is a wealth of information creating a poverty of action.
As you attempt to read everything, the next problem you run into is that you start to find contradictory information. For every guru that says one thing you can find another guru that says the opposite. The only way you can filter this information is to actually try it in real life and keep what works for you and throw out what doesn’t.
Then another problem because you believe success with women is in understanding the equations. You read, read, read, and read some more. Then you finally pick a girl to walk up to and test what you have read about. When it doesn’t work, you tell yourself that you obviously have not read enough and you go right back to burrying yourself in research.
This negative feedback loop just gets worse and worse because more research means less time out in public interacting with real girls. It never occurs to these guys that they just need time interacting with women to become comfortable with them. It’s not that the “material” they have been reading isn’t working, it’s that they have been hiding in a cave reading, and girls can instantly feel how uncomfortable they are.
This is the fallacy of the pickup line. Every guy wants that magic opener. They research to find that magical incantation that will instantly win the girl over. They overhear a guy who is good with women, repeat the words he used and then wonder why it doesn’t work for them. It’s not what you say but how comfortable and playful you are as you say it. Guys who are good with women are comfortable with women and they didn’t get that way from reading books. They will tell you that it’s not that complicated and just as easy as learning how to catch. You practice and you get better at. If you are reading this, I am very doubtful that it’s the first bit of research you have ever done on attracting women. You know enough to get out and start talking with girls. You need to spend less time with your computer and more time talking with girls (where you will learn best by doing). Just keep at it until you hit a sticking point. When that happens, research to find a way past it, and once you have the answer, stop reading and get back out in the real world. Rinse and repeat. That’s the way to learn. For every hour you spend reading about interacting with girls, you should spend no less than 4 hours actually interacting with them. Keep at least a 4:1 ratio.
So how long did you spend reading this article?
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