Whether you’re new to the gym, a jackass that’s been there for a while, or a regular who’d like something to hand out to the new people and jackasses at your gym, here are Kwast’s Rules for the Gym.
Rule #1 – This Gym is a Temple: No Cellphones
The gym is our temple where we sweat and bleed to become better men. Please don’t disrespect the gym and the other people working out by talking on your phone or sending text messages. If you want to argue with your boss, employee, wife, girlfriend, children, or friends, do it outside of the gym. I don’t have that type of negative energy in my life and I don’t want to listen to your bullshit while I lift. Additionally, no matter how “important” you think it is, you do not need to update Facebook between sets. And no, you are not an exception to this rule. I don’t care what you do for work, no cellphones allowed. And for all the people saying, “But I use my iPhone to play music…” I say, go spend $10 at RadioShack and buy an mp3 player. If you’re found sitting on equipment doing nothing more than texting, it may cost you your life.
Rule #2 – Rack all Weights in the Correct Spots
Believe it or not, the weight racks have numbers on them that correspond to the weights. Put the weights back according to the numbers on the weight racks. All it takes is one rackass to put one weight in the wrong place. Then the next dude that goes back to rack his weight doesn’t have the proper empty place to put his weight back, so he then puts his weight in the wrong spot. The result of all this is that 45 minutes later there isn’t single weight in the right spot.
Rule #3 – Clean up after Yourself
Unless your mom works out at this gym… who the fuck do you think is going to clean up after you? I love the jackasses who one minute are telling me how strong they are and the next minute are unable to re-rack their own weights. The best is when some jackass leaves 8 plates a side on the leg press and the next person to try to use it is a 95-pound girl who’s forced to lift all of their weights off. As for your sweat, carry a towel with you and wipe off the machine after you’re done, you sweaty sloppy disgusting fucker. Oh, and gym clothes need to be washed after every use. We know that you don’t think it smells that bad, but you’re used to your own stink while everyone else in the gym is not.
Rule #4 – No Unnecessary Nudity in the Locker Room
This message is specifically to the dude at my gym that likes to stand naked in front of the men’s locker-room full-length mirror while spending 12 minutes applying lotion to every inch of his skin, including his dick and ass. Dude, shower and put some fucking clothes on! You can rub lotion on your dick at home.
Rule #5 – Do the Exercise Correctly
If you’re doing something to make the exercise easier, you are doing it wrong. Standing bicep curls, use your biceps not your lower back. The idea behind the Stairmaster is that all of your weight is on the steps, not that you’re leaning all your bodyweight onto the railing while letting your feet flop around under you as the steps move. And for the love of fuck, if you don’t know how to do something, ask.
Rule #6 – Do the Exercise with a Full Range of Motion
Did I miss an article in some over-read, shitty fitness magazine that tells guys to maximize pectoral growth my minimizing their range of motion? If you’re doing bench-press, you lower the bar until it touches (without crashing into) your chest. If you don’t have the flexibility to do that with an empty bar, you need to work on your flexibility. Every day I see some jackass, with 225 lbs. loaded on a bar, that basically lifts it off the rack and lowers it 2 inches before pushing it back onto the rack. Us big guys aren’t impressed. We’re laughing at you because we know that if that bar touched your chest, you’d be leaving the gym on a stretcher.
Rule #7 – Ask Before You Take Weights
If you want a weight that’s racked on a machine someone else is using, wait until he’s not in the middle of a set; and ask his permission before you take it. Chances are good that he’ll say yes if you ask, and bite your face if you don’t.
Rule #8 – No Stupid Creativity
Stop being overly creative and just lift weights like a man. Don’t be that jackass in the gym saying something completely retarded like, “You should try doing pushups while holding a 5 lbs. weight with your teeth and having a baseball bat inserted half way up your ass.” That’s not an exercise, that’s stupidity. Just get on the bench-press, go over to the squat rack or pick up a kettlebell, and lift like a man.
Rule #9 – Total Fitness
Neither 100% resistance training nor 100% cardio will get you into shape. You have to do both. It’s not impressive if you can go an hour full out on the treadmill but you can’t even bench your bodyweight. And it’s not impressive if you can deadlift 100,000 lbs. but can’t run 15 feet without getting winded.
Rule #10 – Only Right Now Matters
No one in the gym cares about how strong you were a few years ago. What did you lift today? More importantly, are you getting stronger or weaker?
Rule #11 – Don’t Show Up Sick
Just getting over a cold or the flu? Stay home a few extra days. You’re not going to get any benefit from working out when your body is run down, and we don’t want to catch what you have.
Rule #12 – There is No Replacement for Hard Work
Supplements and research data are great. But if you lift like a pussy, you’ll never look like a man.
Article Source: www.drawkkwast.com