The solution to the world’s biggest problems is killing babies. There are currently over 7.3 billion people on this planet and that number grows by the second. As that number grows, we continue to spread across the planet like a virus, depleting natural resources and killing the ecosystem we depend on for our very survival. While I’m not a hippie, and don’t own Birkenstocks sandals or any clothing made from hemp, I’m intelligent enough to see that the human race has embarked on a suicide mission with the exuberance of a World War II kamikaze pilot high on methamphetamine.

Every day we get bombarded by the media… “Be eco-friendly and buy a Toyota Prius,” “Use less air conditioning and heating in your home,” “Get a water smart toilet,” and then everything will be okay. Everything is NOT okay.

The apartment I live in now was built less than a year ago. All the fixtures and appliances are sexy, minimalistic, and modern. Hell, my countertops have USB jacks built into them. Then there’s my toilet. At first glance, it’s also awesome because it looks like something that you’d find in the VIP bathroom of a space station. But the first time I used it, I quickly discovered that it’s a total failure at its job of swallowing. Sure, you can build a toilet that only releases 3 oz. of water per flush, but that doesn’t mean that it’s actually going to get the job done. Did the designer expect me to divide my load into two deliveries? Isn’t it counter productive if it uses less water per flush but I have to flush it ten times?

For all the brilliant things science is failing at to make room for more people, why is it that no one sees the simple solution?

Each couple on the planet should only have one child. All problems solved! In one generation we’d have half of the population, which would solve a whole lot. In two generations we’d have less than 2 billion people and we would have stopped kicking Mother Nature in the balls.

I’m being 100% serious here. It is irresponsible for two people to have more than two children, since that only makes the problem worse! Think about this logically, on a global scale for a moment, and you will see my point. At the current rate, the human race is going to literally fuck itself into extinction. We’ve invented birth control, we need to use it.

So why is everyone having so many kids?

In 1968, Pope Paul VI issued his landmark encyclical letter Humanae Vitae (Latin, “Human Life”), which reemphasized the Church’s constant teaching that it is always intrinsically wrong to use contraception to prevent new human beings from coming into existence. There is no better way to increase the population of your cult than to convince your existing cult members that eternal damnation awaits you if you don’t have as many kids as possible and then indoctrinate those kids into the cult. This is why Pope Dumbass VI would say that my plan involves “killing babies to save the world.”

And then there’s the part that evolution has played in all this. Tens of thousands of years ago, our ancestors existed in much smaller numbers. They didn’t have the technology that we have today. Life expectancy was shorter, survival was harsh, and if they didn’t have herds of children, they (individual, family, and species) would have died out. So today, we’re all descendants of this group and still have in our programing, “Have as many kids as possible.” Well, most of us…

Look at the statistics and you’ll see a pattern that will either make you laugh or cry. The more intelligent, less religious, and high-income a person is the fewer children that person will have.

Poor people tend to feel more stress (from lack of resources and options). While they can’t afford a consistent supply of drugs for relief (whether that be Prozac or cocaine) and seemingly can’t afford birth control either, fucking is a totally free high. Then once they start getting state money for that first child they can’t afford, it isn’t long before they figure out that having more kids is like a business to get more money from the state. And sadly, we all know that these kids have a far greater chance of ending up in prison than winning the Nobel Prize for curing cancer.

Smart people, though, are driven to a career, to succeed, and to build resources. They know that their best chances of economic success are found in not having kids until they have built and stabilized their finances. Have kids too early and you’ll stunt your economic growth. Have too many kids and you spread your resources too thin. It’s easier to help maximize the potential of one child than dividing attention and resources between two or more. And then there’s that nasty little-known fact concerning androgen buildup… Did you know that the more brothers a man has born before him, the higher the chance he will be gay? If you want to give birth to alpha males, stop after the first one.

It’s a fact: the poor and stupid are outbreeding the wealthy and smart. It’s simple math. If you have a 1:1 ratio of smart people fixing the planet to idiots breaking it, things may just balance out. But the way things are now, it’s like society expects a ratio of one magical person to fix the problems created by millions. That’s a very unfair expectation and huge burden to place on that one person.

I’ll close with one last thought, my point and message for the planet: If you’re not genetically and financially capable of having children that can help fix society’s problems, you shouldn’t think that having twelve of them is a great idea.

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