I am a straight, white male living in a world of heterophobic homofascism. Every day I am subjected to the Gaystapo propaganda of “We need more diversity and more tolerance,” which sounds great until you realize that this applies to everyone, except alpha males. As an alpha male, if I talk about women, I am sexist. If I talk about gay men, I am homophobic. And if I don’t pander to the illogical delusions of the masses, I’m a bad person. All of this amounts to nothing short of emotional extortion: if I don’t blindly agree with them I am a bad person.
But let’s just roll back a little and start at the beginning… One of the pillars of philosophy is universality. It basically means that the same set of rules must apply to everyone. If someone tells you that it’s immoral for Ron to steal from Ben, but okay for Ben to steal from Ron, it’s bullshit. Likewise, if someone tells you that vanilla ice cream is wonderful and chocolate ice cream is disgusting, they have given their opinion; but your opinion, which may be the opposite of theirs, must be equally valid. In other words, if I tell you that I enjoy sticking my dick in consensual vagina, I must “live and let live” (not be hypocritical) by being okay with a gay man who enjoys shoving his dick in the consenting poop pipe of another man. The basic idea here is that everyone gets to do whatever they want (as long as it’s consensual). And I will fight for everyone’s right to do so, even if I’m disgusted by what they are doing.
And that is the pivotal key point to all of this: If one person has the freedom to like something, then other people must be equally free to hate that same thing. Wikipedia defines homophobia as, “encompasses a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who are identified or perceived as being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.” Okay, fair enough. I am absolutely disgusted by guy-on-guy sex. However, I’m a big fan of girl-on-girl sex, which, if we are keeping score, should make me be seen as homo-neutral. Only, the LGBT community disagrees with me on that! They say that if a straight man enjoys watching girl-on-girl sex he is sexually objectifying women, which makes him a bad person. Sometimes the only way to win a game is to tell the idiot who made the rules that you’re not playing. To be very clear here: I don’t care what you do, and you shouldn’t care what I think about it.
If I try to visualize my grandparents having sex, the thought disgusts me. It’s some seriously disturbing shit. Grandma on her back, feet in the air, saggy boobies, one on each side, resting on the floor. Meanwhile grandpa’s shriveled wrinkly ass flapping back and forth, all while making that rhythmic slapping sound as they moan more from the arthritis than the act itself. Ah, puke! But just because I’m disgusted by the idea of my grandparents having sex, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. In fact, I would encourage them to do whatever it is that makes them happy. I also fully realize that if they never had sex I wouldn’t even be here to be disgusted by that thought.
Someone can tell me that sushi is disgusting, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop eating it. I love sushi so much that I don’t care what anyone else has to say about it. I don’t feel the need to force everyone to love sushi. And when you think about it, the fewer people who like it, the more there is for me. Likewise, if you’re a man who loves fucking other men, you don’t have to worry about me stealing your boyfriend. Be happy about that. As such, us few alpha males who are left smile every time two dudes become a couple, because it means that the women looking for real men have fewer choices. So live and let live. We’re cool, just as long as someone doesn’t try to force a rainbow up my ass.
Additionally, I feel it’s my duty to shed light on the popular LGBT community question of, “Why do straight men hate gay men?” The answer actually is we don’t. We are disgusted by an “action” not a “person,” which is why it is so stupid for a person to define themselves by a single action. How strange would it be if someone demanded that you love them for eating their own boogers? What if they told you that booger eating was their whole life? Everything about them, their job, friends, car, apartment, and every aspect of their lives is centered around booger eating. Not only that, but if you don’t praise their booger eating, you are boogerphobic and a bad person! This is called being a one-dimensional person, and if your one dimensional thing is the art of shit-dicking other men, then you and I don’t have any common ground to meet on. If, on the other hand, you’re like one of my favorite multi-dimensional gay men Milo Yiannopoulos, then we agree on just about everything, other than where the best play-place is for an erection.
Finally, I must divulge why alpha males find the actions of flamboyantly feminine gay men so annoying. When a hot girl acts bitchy, we usually just ignore her. Why? Because we’re going to have sex with her later that night. It’s a very simple cost/benefit calculation. But when a flamboyantly feminine gay man acts bitchy, he is all of the worst parts of behaving like a vagina without the redeeming part of actually having a vagina.
So the next time someone starts throwing words at you like sexist, intolerant, or homophobic, refuse to play their game and force them to play yours by demanding that they stop acting so heterophobic.
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